


Dance Wars: The Rise of Rumpshaker

by nelliespector (ilmv)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Comedy, Crack, I also just love music and old school jams and funk so this is a way to share my love, Not Canon Compliant, Other, This Is STUPID, don't expect frequent updates i gotta be in a goofy mood to write this, i saw Kylo and Rey fortnite characters on youtube and got inspired, i wanna see Poe Dameron work those thicc Latin hips, there's no ships or adult content in this it's pure FUN, this is gonna be like Star Wars meets The Full Monty at least that's what i'm going for here, we gonna pretend Palpatine is still DEAD as a FUCKIN DOORNAIL like he should be, wholesome content, yes i will do the Resistance side are you kidding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:27:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23862286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilmv/pseuds/nelliespector
Summary: The big Star War between the First Order and the Resistance is at a stalemate. Each side has their own super-powered Jedi "nuke" as it were, and nothing can result but mutually assured destruction. Neither side wants that, so they decide to settle things in an rather unorthodox way: a dance-off.
Kudos: 1





	Dance Wars: The Rise of Rumpshaker

The Resistance and First Order are at a stalemate. Each has a Force sensitive of equal power. All that could result would be mutual destruction, and neither side wants that. So ultimately, after a tense round of negotiations, they decide to settle the war with a dance-off.

The First Order knows they are at a distinct disadvantage. Everyone in the organization had their emotions repressed for years, and dancing is an outward physical expression of inner feelings of joy, sensuality and elation. The Resistance are used to having dance parties to celebrate their wins on the battlefield. And let’s be real, the Resistance just has that vibe- letting loose and getting funky is just easier for them. The First Order decide that what they lacked in sheer funkiness, they’d make up for with perfect synchronization. The First Order would krump and twerk together as one.

Choosing members for the First Order Dance Team is a regimented process, like anything the First Order does. Auditions are being held on the bridge of the Steadfast, with each prospective team member providing their own music. Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has no interest in being part of this nonsense so he simply observes, leaving it to Allegiant General Enric Pryde and the First Order High Council to decide the team members.

The First Order soon starts to regret the lack of dancing and recreation in their organization, because most of the auditions are pitiful. Lieutenant Mitaka tried breakdancing to _Planet Rock_ by Afrika Bambaataa & The Soul Sonic Force and almost broke his neck- and he still makes the Top 10.

When it’s General Hux’s turn, everyone is surprised he would even participate. He’s so uptight. There’s no way he could be a good dancer, let alone be the lead on a Dance Team. But he tosses a data cylinder with his music on it to Trach who is working as the DJ for this event, and gets ready for his moment. The lights dim and the spotlight shines, illuminating the General’s pasty skin and orange hair brighter than ever. The auditions are being broadcast throughout the ship, and have been a source of amusement all afternoon. There’s a betting pool going on regarding who will be on the team. Few, if any, have put money on General Hux.

 _Get Up Offa That Thing_ by James Brown starts blaring throughout the ship, and the Stormtroopers who are in the armory cleaning their weapons look up at the Holoscreen to see General Hux shocking everyone with his fly moves. He drops it low and breaks out the fancy footwork. His moves are brilliant, rhythmic, smooth, and in perfect time to the music. Allegiant General Pryde watches ever critically, his arms behind his back gripping his baton, his face haughty and eyes narrowed. He’s waiting for Hux to mess up, to fall flat on his face and embarrass himself in front of the entire First Order. But he doesn’t.

The song ends, and it’s clear that General Hux is the best dancer the First Order has. They may have a fighting chance with him leading the dance battle. On the bridge, they can hear the applause erupting from the rest of the ship. General Hux feels a mix of pride and embarrassment. He’s of course proud that he’s the best - which he already knew but it’s always nice to get confirmation - and slightly embarrassed that now everyone knows he likes to dance in his spare time, since it’s so unusual coming from him.

There’s dead silence on the bridge of the Steadfast. Everyone’s attention is turned to Pryde and the High Council. “Adequate, I suppose,” Allegiant General Pryde finally manages, trying and failing to mask his disappointment that he had to compliment General Hux’s skills in front of everyone.

When the names of the official First Order Dance Team are announced, General Hux finds his name at the top of the list as lead dancer. He’s proud and thrilled, but more than that, he is filled with a renewed sense of purpose. The circumstances are strange, sure, but Hux approaches it like he approaches preparing for any other battle- training, training, and more training. They would play up their strengths and look for any weaknesses in the enemy they could exploit. Even if that meant using spies to do so.

Mitaka. Unamo. Stynnix. Griss. Thanisson. General Hux will whip this rather pitiful and odd assortment dancers into shape if it’s the last thing he does. The fate of the galaxy depends on these malcontents gyrating their hips in perfect harmony.


End file.
